Monday, December 26, 2011

I should be able to eat peppermint ice cream whenever I want, dammit.

I understand that at one point in time all the food that we ate was seasonal. Apples are only ripe at certain times of the year so that's when you eat apples. I get it. Then thanks to the miracles of modern science, farmin' upgrades and planes shipping stuff all over the globe in the blink of an eye it didn't really matter what season it was anymore. You feel like eating apples? There are going to be apples in the store. It might not be the exact type of apple you want but you will be able to get your apple on. These are the kind of advancements I enjoy. I'm glad that our culture has advanced to a place where this is possible and I think most people would agree with me. One would think that unless our ability to produce a food at a certain time of year is hindered that we would have all food at all times, right? Of course not. That would be too goddamned logical. Instead we have decided that some foods are "seasonal" foods and they are only available in small windows. It makes sense that July isn't a big season for chili but I think chili should still be available albeit in smaller quantities. The place where I get the most upset about this is in the rationing of seasonal candies.

I have an affinity for peppermint ice cream. OK, that's an understatement. Peppermint ice cream is my drug of choice. I fiend for it. I've actually considered letting it melt on the spoon and then injecting it into my arm but I don't even have the patience for spoons when it comes to peppermint ice cream, I just dive into the carton head first and go town. It is the finest of all ice creams and quite possibly the finest dessert known to man. This is a fact. When I was a child peppermint ice cream was available all year round for one simple reason; it's delicious. Then some jerk off in marketing at Edy's must have made some retarded algorithm and announced that they would make more money if they rationed peppermint ice cream to only being around at X-mas. "People will crave it all year and since it is made out of candy canes they'll associate it with X-mas and we'll make a heap of money," this heartless ignoramus must have declared with glee. So that's what they did and by doing so they effectively ruined my life. Sure, I've probably kept my weight down a couple kilos because the scarcity of that sweet pink ambrosia but that's not the point. WE EAT PEPPERMINTS ALL YEAR LONG. Every restaurant has peppermints in a dish as you walk out the door and no body ever bitches about those being around out of season, why does the ice cream have to be lumped in with Christmas?

Let's take a second to look at the other Edy's flavors that are rationed for the holidays. When you go to the grocery store these are readily available while the spot where Peppermint once was is completely empty. Egg Nog is one of the flavors. Actual Egg Nog sucks. The only reason people can tolerate it is by pouring copious amounts of liquor into it. No one is going to ever want to eat Egg Nog ice cream, hence there being dozens of cartons left. The other holiday flavor, Hot Chocolate. Yes, you read that correctly. Edy's makes Hot Chocolate ICE cream. What the fuck? How can they even take themselves seriously marketing shit like that? Hot Chocolate is not a frickin' flavor. It's a temperature of a flavor, a temperature that it cannot maintain if it is in ICE cream. It makes my brain hurt. There is no holiday known to man appropriate for that crap. Yet in order to have a whole seasonal line the marketing geniuses lump it in with peppermint.

It's not just peppermint ice cream that should be available year round in my opinion. There should be no seasonal candy at all. If I want to eat a Cadbury egg in October I should be able to. If I want to fill my kid's Easter basket with a candy corn that should be my right as an American. How can we call this the land of the free if I can't salute that glorious freedom by eating peppermint ice cream on July 4th? I demand an end to this lunacy. Until then I'm going to head back to the freezer and attempt to eat an entire year's worth of ice cream in the next 2 days.

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