Monday, March 11, 2013

Never Send Flowers

First off let's get it out of the way that taking romantic advice from me is like taking housing advice from Oscar the Grouch. Although one could make the argument that a garbage can really is the ideal place for him to live therefore he would actually be quite adroit at giving housing advice, but let's face it, he probably only knows garbage cans and who would want to live in a fucking garbage can? That being said, take the following advice with a grain of salt given my lack of expertise in the area.

NEVER SEND FLOWERS TO SOMEONE. I don't give a shit what the occasion is. Be it a birthday, an anniversary or to celebrate a successful colonoscopy sending flowers is a horrible decision. If you actually are going to visit the person feel free to bring flowers, flowers are not the issue here. It's the act of sending them from afar that I find distasteful. The thing that makes sending flowers such a catastrophe is that there are both short term and long term annoyances involved with this commendable act.

In the short term price is the principle cause of irritation. For starters every bouquet of flowers costs more than you would ever imagine possible for something inedible that will be tossed aside within a fortnight. Once you have recovered from this shock you will settle on the second cheapest bouquet available, since you are ordering from a website one could easily check up on you so you don't want to get the cheapest because you are classier than that. It is at this stage that you learn that the price originally quoted represents roughly 14% of what you will be spending.

  • Want a little card so the recipient knows who the flowers are from? 5 bucks.
  • Would you like some sort of receptacle for the flowers to sit in? Options ranging from 5 to 30 bucks.
  • Do you assume the recipient already owns a flower receptacle? Too bad. You are forced into purchasing one of the above options.
  • Would you like to throw in something else with the flowers? Maybe candy or fruit or your firstborn? 10 bucks to priceless.
  • Would you like the flowers to arrive within a week? 15 bucks.
  • Would you like the flowers to arrive within 2-3 days? 25 bucks.
  • Did you really fuck up and need them there posthaste? 40 bucks.
It's insane how many options there are. If I am forced to buy a flower receptacle can't that be quoted in the original price? I have no other option, same with the delivery. I'm not the cheapest guy in the world but I ain't exactly made of money. If I am sending flowers in the first place it's a pretty big deal so how about we be upfront with the cost. The way it is now I feel like Kobayashi after 40 or so hot dogs. I'm already committed so I can't go back, yet every additional dog I have to shove in my face is more painful than the last. Yet plod along we do and eventually the flowers are sent. Usually they arrive with great fanfare and all of the effort seems worth it.

Until the emails start coming in. I have sent flowers using both FTD and ProFlowers. I fled to ProFlowers after the horror that was FTD only to learn that I wasn't fleeing the horror at all, I was doubling down. You see, once they have your contact info they like to remind you to buy more flowers. Apparently I need to be reminded to buy flowers on an hourly basis. Even porn websites that I may or may not have perused spam me with less regularity. The regularity of the spamming is a little offputting, the specificity of the spam is damn right creepy. These emails make, how should I put this, assumptions. What they like to do is take the name of whoever you last sent flowers to and incorporate it in to the advertisement. So when you have recently broken up with someone and get an email telling you, "Don't you think that Hildegard deserves flowers this President's Day?" I find myself yelling, "Fuck no she doesn't!" at the computer. While such an email serves as pouring salt into a fresh wound it isn't something that you can't get over soon enough. It's an email I received in the run up to Valentine's Day that caused me the most distress;

"Do you want to guarantee yourself a hot and steamy Valentine's Day? Don't waste time and send a bouquet along with some mood enhancing chocolates to Martha today!"

Martha is my mother.

They could make a real killing if they offered an option for years of therapy with the price options after that doozy.