Thursday, February 14, 2013

I must shower before this goes any farther

Showers. At their worst they are an essential part of life that you can plow through with minimal effort. Sure, there are times that I don't want to take a shower but I know that the world appreciates the days that I don't smell like a water buffalo carcass in mid July, so I jump in and wash myself quickly and ten minutes later I'm good to go.

That was the worst case scenario, when you are craving ten more minutes of sleep instead of showering. Yet when showers are at their best they are exquisite. When I'm suffering from one of my all too common hangovers few things in this world are as wonderful as resting with my head against the wall as water that is one half degree cooler than scalding slides down my back. The entire room fills with steam and each time I inhale I can actually feel the steam cleansing my brain of all the pesky headache causing hangover demons. In moments like this I believe that heaven is real and I must be there. Yeah, I like showers that much.

Sadly that is something I may never experience again. Well, at least I won't experience it for a damn long time. You see, my shower sucks ass. It is awful. It is not the worst shower on Earth, I'm sure, but it is far below what I would consider "acceptable." The awfulness of the shower is deceiving in a way. From all outward appearances it looks fine. The water pressure is more than sufficient. The shower is more than large enough. When you first turn it on it's pretty warm so you figure that in a few seconds the water will get hot and it'll be business time.

Nope. The water never gets hot. Ever. It starts out warm and never gets beyond that. I swear that the fucker is programmed to get to about 3 degrees below where it should be just to taunt me. If there was no hot water at all I could accept it. I would be unhappy but at least the shower wouldn't be toying with my fragile emotions. I've gotten in a fight with a shower before,* I'm certainly not above doing so again. Then to make matters worse the warm water doesn't last very long. You have to jump in and get your business done right quick unless you want to finish up in arctic water.

This all could have been prevented so easily, people should be encouraged to take showers when they are touring apartments. Seriously. Showers are a pretty serious part of a person's daily routine. A great shower can be just what the doctor ordered to kick you in the ass and get you going in the morning, a horrible shower forces you to start the day on the wrong foot. I should totally be able to throw my clothes to the floor and test out the shower before I sign anything. Yet I'm pretty sure every real estate agent or potential roommate would be so skeezed out by this that I would never be able to land an apartment. I just need to know if my needs are going to be met. Otherwise I'll be forced to adapt a routine where I rush through my showers cleaning only the essentials as I day dream about the next time I'm going to be in a hotel with unlimited amounts of scalding water. That's a sad existence, friends.

It's only through trying the shower first hand that I will know if it meets my lofty standards. Everyone wants something else out of their shower experience, I can't trust the word of others if I don't have a full understand of what they expect out of a shower.If I knew that the shower in this place was going to mind fuck me every morning into thinking it will reach hotness only to crush my hopes day after day I might not have lived here after all.** If only I had not been afraid of making a social faux pas when I first saw my place, if only I hadn't assumed that the shower would be as glorious as the one I had left behind in Chicago, if only. . .  Asking these questions only makes the pain worse. Please don't resign yourself to a lifetime of unhappy showers, be bolder than I was. So, next time you are apartment shopping just ask if you can try the shower out, maybe you can avoid making the mistake that I have.

*Back in college I was dating a broad who had a stopped up shower. For some reason she thought I would be capable of fixing it. So as a buddy and I tried to snake the drain we consumed mass amounts of Icehouse and Jameson. At a moment of frustration I just started screaming and punching the drain. I'm pretty sure I won the fight.

** This is total bullshit. My apartment is awesome. And affordable. And my roommate is totally rad. The only thing that would make her cooler was if she was willing to let me live here for free. I can deal with the bad showers, this place rules, but I needed to make a strong point, even if I completely negate the point in a footnote.