Tuesday, December 13, 2011

I live with a furry, soulless, hell spawn

When entering into a relationship one of the first things you have to overcome is dealing with the other person's baggage. Whether they are emotionally shut off, enjoy midget porn just a little too much, or have a parent crashing on their couch you will find a way to work through it if you really care about the person. In my relationship I assume that my girlfriend has to make a lot more concessions for my bullshit than I do for hers. Mostly because I'm a big bag of crazy. When I moved in a few months ago there was one thing that I had to find a way to cope with that I'm still struggling with to this day, Myrna.

Myrna is my girlfriend's cat. I'm very allergic to cats. This has been a little bit of a problem as I have been struggling to find medicine that does the trick so that I can breathe. I know that eventually I'll either just adapt or find the right medicine and it won't be a big deal. Unfortunately there isn't a medicine out there capable of curing my vast hatred for cats. To paraphrase the great philosopher Eric Cartman, I hate cats. I hate them so very, very much.

I could easily turn this blog post into a tired old dogs vs cats diatribe but what's the use? Some people have been brain washed into believing that cats are an acceptable companion and it's a waste of breath to try to convince them otherwise. I will address one common argument though. Very often a cat person will say the following: "Dogs are stupid and give affection to anyone for no reason. You have to earn the respect and affection of a cat and that's why they are intelligent little angels." Bullshit. The difference between cats and dogs in this department is that dogs aren't ill tempered assholes. Cats attempt to mindfuck you at all times. "Oh, you want to pet me? Even though having my belly scratched is the greatest thing in my pathetic feline existence I'm going to deny you the opportunity to shower me with pleasure simply because I can. This will make you want to pet me more and I'll keep playing hard to get. Until you are eating, then I will sit on your plate of food and demand affection." This is not showing superior intelligence as cat lover's would like you to believe. It's proof that cats are manipulative assholes hell bent on making you their slave.

Let's talk a little about Myrna specifically. She is a tiny little black cat, she was probably the runt of the litter. She's a rescue cat who was found in a crack house with a litter of kittens. After observing her for 30 seconds I came to the conclusion that she was a crack head, turns out she actually was. She's even missing some teeth because of her addiction to the rock. Or, you know, some other reason but I like to assume it's from sucking the glass pipe. In the middle of the night Myrna has what I refer to as "the midnight crazies." She will just run back and forth down the hall for no discernible reason. If she is caught in the act and you make any sort of movement toward her she absolutely loses her shit and starts running even faster. It's kind of endearing when it's not waking my ass up seconds after falling asleep.

The reason I'm writing about Myrna today is because she did such an adorable thing. She walked right up to me as I was sitting at the computer and rubbed against my leg. Then she barfed all over the floor. The barf was gross but was insignificant compared to the hacking sounds she made as she was doing it. Despite being the size of one of my slippers she was far louder than I have ever been even in my most violent Natty Light induced projectile heaves. I started to dry heave a little bit just from hearing the whole disgusting ordeal. Immediately after puking Myrna ran off to the other side of the house. The only reason she even came over to me was to barf in front of me. What kind of passive aggressive jerk stoops that low? I'm a wretched human being with minimal morals and I would never go up to someone, hug them, barf and run away. It takes a cold and calculating mind to perpetrate such a devious act.

Despite this act of pure evil I am coming to like the cat just a little bit. Oh, who am I kidding, I like Myrna BECAUSE she is capable of pure evil. Despite the fact that I could totally wreck this cat's shit if we got into some fisticuffs I don't have the heart to do so. Today's little barfing act has proven to me that there is no level of depravity that Myrna will not stoop to. It was sort of like the scene in The Usual Suspects when Keyser Soze shoots his whole family. Today Myrna showed me what true will was and I am too terrified to ever close my eyes again.

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