Friday, December 16, 2011

Whatevs, this blog is totes terrif.

It is well documented that I am a lazy man. Whenever there is a shortcut available in life I am the first to pounce upon it. In fact I take my laziness to such an extreme that it is no longer laziness as it becomes a sort of amazing innovation. If I'm on the couch and the remote is on the other side of the room I will spend ten to twenty minutes trying to construct a tool capable of retrieving the remote out of everything within arm's reach. While it would be considerably less energy to just stand up, take two steps, pick up the remote and change the channel away from Teen Mom 2 it is far less fun. And if I stay seated I ultimately feel as though I have done far less work and that I am a genius for using tools, I react the way a chimp would the first time he pokes a stick in an anthill and gets a delicious surprise.

I also understand that not all of the shortcuts people take in life are a bad thing. We live in a fast paced society where every minute counts, especially when dealing with other people. Yet there is one thing that irks me more than almost anything has ever irked me before; the shortening of words. Now, I'm not talking about saying "I'm" instead of "I am," that's perfectly reasonable. No, I'm talking about the horrific slang that people use these days where they can't be bothered to even finish the words they are saying. Yesterday as I was walking to the mailbox to send in a check for this season's failed fantasy football team (bunch of goddamn lollygaggers, choking dogs. I hope Vincent Jackson falls into a septic tank and drowns) I overheard a woman talking on the phone. The once sentence I heard her say single-handedly set the English language back 20 years.

"Totes! Can you do me a fave?"

Are you fucking kidding me? You're a middle aged woman who should be capable of stringing together a complete sentence without sounding like a brain dead idiot, what the hell are you doing saying "totes"? Is favor really too hard of a word to say? I guess we've finally progressed to the point where even simple 5 letter, 2 syllable words take far too much effort to be dealt with, hooray. "Do me a fave?!!" How about you do me a fave and drop dead right now before you have a chance to further exasperate the problem by bringing a litter of moronic offspring into the world? We all know how I feel about "totes" and "fave" so I am giving you a list of additional "words" that make me hulk out and murder the person who said them.

  • Whatevs. Unless you are a 15 year old girl you probably shouldn't even be using the full word "whatever." Even the aforementioned 15 year old girls should be shot for using this.
  • Adorbs. My girlfriend is guilty of using this at least once. If there is a second time I'm not sure our relationship will survive it.
  • Terrif. We have the British to blame for this one and just like everything the British gave us other than fish and chips it is an abomination.
  • ASAP. I understand that this is an acronym but it counts. I find this barely acceptable when written, if someone actually speaks it I want to shove bamboo under their fingernails.
This is far from a complete list and I reserve the right to add whatever the hell I damn well please to it at a moment's notice. If you want to avoid a 40 of Steel Reserve from exiting my hand at great speed toward your cranium you should probably use words in their entirety when speaking with me. If you fail to do so hopefully the head trauma will remedy the problem. And if not, well, whatevs.

No comments:

Post a Comment