Thursday, January 5, 2012

I'm looking into my crystal ball and the future looks pretty infuriating

Hey! Sorry that I have been neglecting my angry little corner of the interwebs for the last couple of weeks. Don't worry, I haven't found my lord and savior Tim Tebow and chosen a less judgmental and angry way of life. Quite the opposite really. I've been chilling with the family, drinking copious amounts of booze and storing all of my hatred so that I can come out of the corner throwing haymakers in 2012. Since I wasn't doing any writing I spent a lot of time lurking around the internet reading others and it seems like everyone and their mother were making fancy lists to commemorate the end of the year. And I mean EVERYONE. I don't think there was single thing published between December 17th and January 3rd that wasn't a retrospective on 2011. You may find this a little difficult to believe but this made me a bit irate. Any moron can write about their favorite albums or things they did, in fact, this moron did that on his facebook. Luckily I have higher standards here at irrationalanger and I decided to look into the future and come up with a year's end list before the year has even started. Well, 5 days after the year started, close enough. So, without further ado I give you:

8 things that I will be pissed off about this year!

1. The NBA. We were so close to having an NBA free year. As late as early December it looked like the worst sports league of all was going to shut down for the entire season. I was ecstatic about this. I hate the NBA with a passion. Since it is the only sport that ESPN owns the rights to after the Super Bowl and before April it gets crammed down my throat constantly. I wouldn't be mad if ESPN ran itself like an actual news organization and covered the NHL but they don't. They pretend the NHL doesn't exist. And they employ Stephen A. Smith. It is clear that Bristol is the 7th circle of Hell. So instead of a nice quiet winter and spring we will be subjected to that screaming assclown along with a Greek chorus of other screaming nincompoops acting as if every single loss by the Heat is a national tragedy that must be covered around the clock. Gag me with a spoon.

2. The upcoming Snowpocalypse, Snomageddon, Icetastrophe, Holofrost or whatever we're calling it these days. It's been an insanely mild winter so far. I've lived in Chicago long enough to know that this means winter is biding it's time and will soon crank it up to 11. I don't mind that. If I minded the cold I wouldn't live in Chicago. What I mind is the incessant whining and fear mongering that will occur in every form of media. If you were to judge the situation only by reading my twitter and facebook feeds every time there is a half inch snowfall or the temperature dropped below 20 you would think the four horsemen of the apocalypse were upon us. It's weather you pansies, fucking deal with it and shut your damn mouths.

3. The untimely demise of a completely talentless celebrity and the deification of them. I'm not sure who I have my money on this year. Is the guy that played Gilligan still alive? Or maybe I'll take the Khardashian that's not on TV. The point is that someone of incredibly minor national prominence will die and people will act as if it was a crushing blow to them personally. Look, I get it, you enjoyed that one song about risque women's apparel but I'm pretty goddamn sure your life isn't any worse because Sisqo has left this mortal coil.

4. The inevitable return of Bud Lite Lime. Here in Chicago I have a little tradition that I like to do every spring to welcome the summer. Once Bell's has released their Oberon it is officially summer so I go grab a pint at the local watering hole and drink it outside. Even if it is 40 degrees out I'll sit outside and love every damn minute of it. Then I'll notice the sign going up in the bar announcing that in order to welcome summer Bud Lite Lime is on special all month long. It is around this time that I crush the pint glass in my fist and scream up into the sky much like Andy Dufresne at the end of The Shawshank Redemption.

5. Bill Simmons continuing to ruin Shawshank Redemption (and most other pop culture) references for the rest of us. Yeah, I know what I just did and I hate myself for it. I should be able to make reference to Shawshank, the Karate Kid and other movies without feeling dirty but I can't. Bill Simmons has ruined them all for us. I never would make a reference to the festering pile of human feces that was The White Shadow but even if I wanted to Simmons has already made every possible one 12,423 times. At least I know I can still make Big Lebowski references and not be stepping on Simmons turf, when it comes to those Simmons is out of his element, much like Donny.

6. The election. Do you realize that the Republican primary has already been going on for roughly 9 years? The election isn't until NOVEMBER! I am interested in politics, I really am, but I'm already sick and tired of hearing about which reprehensible excuse for a human being the Republicans are going to support. I'm sure I will rant about this in more detail many times this year but it'll be hard for me to do so without wanting to die a little inside each time.

7. Scorpions, Mitch Ryder and Ringo Starr releasing new albums this year. Are you fucking kidding me? There is a horrible lack of new bands rising to prominence in rock music these days. In the words of Lester Bangs as interpreted by Cameron Crowe's movie Almost Famous, "It's a dangerous time for rock n roll." Yet as nothing new comes out every 50+ has been (and that's generous for Scorpions) is dropping an album on a weekly basis. What the fuck?! Is there not a single band out there doing something interesting with a guitar, bass and some drums? Or do I have to give in and start listening to complete fucktards like LMFAO whose music sounds so shitty and abrasive to the ears that I'm pretty sure that it's outlawed by the Geneva Convention.

8. Last but not least, The Olympics. Good God will I hate the Olympics. The Summer Olympics blow. None of the events involve going close to 100mph on skis and jumping a couple of football fields. None of the events involve shooting targets while skiing. There will be no curling. Just a bunch of people running in a circle or swimming in a straight line. WHEEE! Sure, the steeplechase is almost as idiotic as the biathlon but they only show that for 2 minutes around 4:45 in the morning. Sure, women's beach volleyball is good to watch if the girlfriend isn't home and if I replace the commentary with a Descendants album, but that is very little to look forward to. I just had a horrifying realization. I bet the only Olympic event that will get any coverage will be the basketball because it's the only thing we're guaranteed to win since we send NBA players and. . . .

OHMYGOD! We have come full circle! I did not intend to do this, this is my greatest achievement ever. And with that I shall bid you adieu. Come by often, it looks like this should be a pretty great year for hating things.

1 comment:

  1. I take issue with #4. That "little tradition that [you] like to do every spring to welcome the summer" is called Stroh Day. Enough of this "grab[bing] a pint [of Oberon] at the local watering hole and drink[ing] it outside." Real summer is celebrated by cracking some Captain Pabst brews (preferably fire-brewed) and singing the Stroh Hymn. And that is something you love...