Tuesday, January 10, 2012

This 100% free website does not meet my lofty demands!

Today I'm going to shower you with some insight into how my hateful little brain works. I wake up around the crack of ten and usually brew myself some coffee in my glorious French press. My French press is among the 7 things I will never complain about but that is neither here nor there. As I sip on my coffee I peruse the internet and start to consider what it is about life that has me particularly irked. This morning I signed on to Facebook in order to see what kind of bullshit my friends are babbling about and to possibly wish happy birthday to someone I haven't seen in 14 years. And I was overcome with rage.

Every goddamn time I log into Facebook I have to change my newsfeed from "highlighted stories first" to "recent stories first." It doesn't matter how many times I do this it always goes back to highlighted stories. I don't know what sort of arbitrary algorithm Zuckerberg and friends use to determine what stores should be highlighted but I know one thing for sure, I always miss out on one or two good dick jokes if I only read the highlighted ones. It's ludicrous that I can't change the settings for good, I want to find the person responsible for this and powerbomb them into a barbed wire fence. . . Oh God no.

I just realized something. Facebook isn't the problem here, I am. Only the world's biggest asshole spends their time bitching about the shortcoming of a website that is not only an optional diversion so that I can decrease productivity but it also happens to be free. I pay absolutely nothing to access it. Zero. Zilch. It's not as if I'm shelling out a bunch of money for something that fails to meet my expectations. If that were the case my complaint would be warranted. That's not the case here. I choose to waste away my time on this silly little website. In fact I choose to waste far too much of my time there posting links to punk songs the world has tried to forget and sharing pictures of myself in all sorts of compromising situations. Yet if I have to make one extra click per day I get huffy puffy and furious. "It took me 4 seconds longer to find out the heart breaking reality that a girl I had a crush on 16 years ago is now a bartender in Tulsa with 7 kids, THIS INJUSTICE WILL NOT STAND!" How frickin' spoiled and entitled am I?

As I was pondering this I was thinking about how pissed off I've been in the past every time Facebook makes even the most minimal changes. At least in those occasions it was other people complaining about it that incurred my wrath as opposed to the actual changes. Now I see that I have become what I hate most. It's so idiotic that I get so bent out of shape that a free service isn't exactly perfect according to my specifications. I almost feel as if they should consult me before making any changes, how lame is that? I'm one of roughly 49 billion users yet I still cry and whine inside that I don't have more input. I may have the most inappropriately inflated sense of self worth this side Chris Berman.

I just need to take a deep breath and realize that I'm getting something I enjoy for free and I should be really happy about that. It's like when someone buys you a shot at a bar and you turn it down because it isn't exactly what you wanted. I bought you a shot of whiskey to show camaraderie (or horniness) and turning it down because you prefer lemon drops is like a kick in the mouth. It was free, get off you high horse and throw it down. Next time I want to complain about a free website like Facebook I will try to remember this and settle down. Well, unless it's something really ridiculous like asking me to pay for it. . .

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