Saturday, February 25, 2012

Killing Zombies with Detective John Kimball

This is a little bit of a departure from my usual anger but I couldn't resist myself. Last night I had one of the most insane dreams I've ever had and I absolutely have to share it. It turns out that I am a far better writer when I am asleep, if only I could channel that creativity while awake. Anyway, here is the extreme craziness that my brain came up with last night.

I wake up in a tent seemingly in the middle of nowhere. I'm by myself wearing a Canadian tuxedo (jeans, denim shit, sleeveless jean jacket). This is sort of odd since I'm probably the only adult in America who owns zero denim. In the corner of the tent is a pile of weapons. A shot gun (the cool kind with the handle thingy that Arnold uses in T2), twin Desert Eagle .50s, a machete, a couple of grenades and a bandolier with a ton of ammo. I quickly suit up despite having no idea why I would need any of these and step outside the tent. I look around and realize that I am on Hershel's farm from The Walking Dead. All of the usual characters are around talking to each other. I am greeted by Daryl saying "What up, Scro?" On the horizon I see an entire herd of zombies coming out way. I point and yell and we all swoop into action. I am going to town on a bunch of zombies with the Desert Eagles, blowing undead heads up with the greatest ease. I was self aware enough in my dream to know that I could never handle the recoil from a hand cannon like that in real life so I was really impressed with my accuracy and badassery.

Quickly we were being over run. I watched Rick get his head torn off and shared by two zombies, I had to start going to work with my machete. Then out of nowhere something grabs me by the back of my shirt collar and pulls me into the air. It's Optimus Prime. He and other Transformers have come to save our group. At no point does this seem bizarre. We fly away from all the zombies and soon land on an island surrounded by a huge moat. When we landed I was greeted by all sorts of action stars from different movies, television shows and comics. It have to emphasize that I was greeted by the characters, not the actors. So some of the more notable action stars were there in a few different characters. There were 4 Arnold Schwarzeneggers; Detective John Kimball (Kindergarten Cop), The Terminator, Dutch (Predator) and Jack Slater (Last Action Hero). I was a bit peeved that Conan wasn't there as I thought he would be the most useful. So, it turns out that the Transformers had gathered all of these heroes so that we could fight in one last battle royale against the zombies that had taken over.

In order to battle the zombies most efficiently we would be placed in teams of 8 and be dropped into an area where we would be encircled by zombies. This seemed like a ludicrous idea to me but as I started to protest Doc Holliday (Val Kilmer's version from Tombstone) told me that they had been doing it this way for a while and that I shouldn't be such a yellow bastard. I seem to remember that every time I have heard about an army being encircled it was shortly before they were either destroyed or captured. I go along with the plan anyway. My team consists of myself, Bumblebee, John McClane, Detective John Kimball, Nightcrawler from the X-Men, Tequila Yuen from Hard Boiled, Snake Plissken and Robocop. Which is a pretty bad ass team if you ask me.

We were flown in to battle and dropped in a middle of a giant swarm of zombies. Everyone just starts firing with our backs to each other. Every time a zombie got too close to someone Nightcrawler would grab them and disappear transport them elsewhere before appearing back among us a second or two later sans zombie. I was next to Kimball and McClane and we were just laying into the zombies. We did one hell of a job. As we were killing them we kept advancing forward. Unfortunately we moved too far out and the three of us ended up being surrounded. I was starting to lose my shit as I noticed that my bandolier was damn near empty and the zombies just kept coming. And then. . . .

I was laying on the couch with a cat staring at me. This is the crappy thing about dreams. Sometimes you just wake up before the story is over. I rolled over and figured if I could fall right back asleep I would be able to see if we made it out alive, dead or undead. As everyone knows this has never worked, you always just start another dream if you are even able to fall asleep, which I couldn't even do. I'd like to think that we made it out successfully but the odds were really against us, I guess I'll never know. Hopefully my dream skills will relate to real life if I'm ever in such a situation because, damn, I was a total badass for a few minutes there.

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