Thursday, February 9, 2012

I want to set my computer on fire

Last night I got all prepared to write yet another manifesto of vitriol on my angry little corner of the internet. I had a glass of bourbon and, uh, well, that's all I actually had in order to prepare. I was all ready to complain about how kids today don't get it or about how everyone is a moron or some other tripe, I can't remember any more. I clicked over to the blog and started to write.

Nothing. I hit the keys harder since hitting things harder fixes everything. Nope. Nothing happening. As I begin to hulk out I check the keyboard connection despite the fact that I know it will be tight. Of course it is. There is nothing visibly wrong as there never is. This happens 3-4 times a week. The only thing that fixes it is restarting the computer, sometimes a couple of times.

Now, let me stop all of you self righteous Apple users before you start commenting. Look, I get it. I'm already aware that every Apple computer ever created has never had a single flaw and that they even cure world hunger in their spare time. Stop. I have a Dell because I was persuaded by the loveable little stoner from the commercials. Or because it was the computer that I could afford at the time.

This keyboard thing happens in spurts. It won't happen for a long time so I assume that my computer has fixed itself and all is right with the world. Then, POW! I'm ready to throw my entire desk out the window. Once I was calm enough to not be a danger to those around me I finally broke down and called Dell customer service. Maybe it's a little thing that can be fixed with minimal effort. HAHAHAHA. If there is one thing I know is that it is NEVER just a little thing, especially if you are on the phone with someone on the other side of the world who tells you that their name is "Sam." Chances are that "Sam" will try to convince me to spend an immense amount of money to fix the problem only to learn that the problem can't be fixed and there is no way in hell I'm getting that money back either. I knew this going in and I made the call anyway because I'm a glutton for punishment.

I explain the problem. With maximum condescension I'm told to check the cord. I do this despite the fact that I've done so roughly 5,678,236 times already. Here's where it gets good.

Me: The connection is tight and fine.
"Sam": And now your keyboard will work.
Me: No. It's not working.
"Sam": Did you plug the keyboard back in? It should be working. Try again.
Me: Yes, I plugged it in. I know that it should be working. If it wasn't plugged in I wouldn't have called customer service. I would have realized my idiocy and fixed it.
"Sam": OK, well, unplug it and plug it in again. Now it should be working.
Me: (After doing plugging and unplugging again) Yeah, it's not working. Any other ideas, hotshot?
"Sam": The connection must not be correct, is it plugged into the approp. . . .

I'm sorry to cut off the conversation here but I threw my phone against the wall and screamed around this time. Apparently the only solution they had for me was to tell me to do the same thing over and over until eventually a miracle cures my keyboard once and for all. I guess I have a ghost in my computer that just enjoys messing with me. I can live with that. I'll just keep restarting my computer every time it happens while grinding my teeth. The one silver lining is that the keyboard very rarely stops working when I'm in the middle of a blog post. I'll just have to fight my urge to take an ax to my computer on a daily bas

Just kidding. Keyboard still works. For now.

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