Monday, February 13, 2012

I am now more glue than man

Sometimes I really wish that I filmed the idiocy I go through on a daily basis. Sure, you would have to sift through hours upon hours of me staring at the computer or reading to get to the nuggets of brilliance but I'm pretty sure that it would be totally worth it. Today I put on a slapstick routine that would cause Youtube to crash from too many hits. I attempted to fix something with crazy glue.

My girlfriend just returned from Kenya and brought a pretty awesome beer opener/magnet shaped like a wildebeest. The first time I used it I thought that it's legs felt pretty brittle so I should be careful with it. At some point on Saturday night one of his little legs came off. I don't know if I did it or if it was someone else but it was my responsibility to fix it. Luckily I had found his leg and not accidentally tossed it in the garbage.

I need to go back a little bit. I didn't use Crazy Glue. Apparently Crazy Glue is the kind of glue used by Commies and terrorists, a true patriot would never use such filth. I was wowed by "All American Surehold Super Glue." Not only was "American" in the name but the flag was on the package not once, not twice but four times. How could I resist such a patriotic sealant? Soon I was at home and I prepared the patient for surgery. I had everything laid out on my desk; the glue, the wildebeest, his leg, paper towels in case I made a mess. I thought I was prepared. Lord, was I mistaken.

I read the instructions on the back of the package. Then I read them again. I would not screw this up. So I take the glue out and prepare to open it. I noticed that there was a slight glue smell already but I figured it was due to the glue being super bad ass, I didn't think it was a harbinger of sticky doom. I unscrewed the cap and used it to break open the seal, screwed the cap back on and prepared to reattach the leg. I lined everything up and squeezed the bottle ever so gently. Nothing came out, at least that's what I thought at first. So I squeezed a little bit harder. All the glue in the world poured out of the side of the tube covering my hand, the bottle, the towel, everything. It turns out that there was a tiny little hole on the side of the tube. The glue had sealed the hole but once I squeezed tightly enough it opened up the rupture. Here is where the fun begins.

This glue got hard quicker than a 13 year old looking at his first Hustler. Almost immediately my fingers were stuck together, my wrist was stuck to the towel, the towel was stuck to my desk and the tube of glue was stuck to my other hand which also had some fingers stuck together. Panic set in immediately and I started flailing around and yelling. It is during the flailing that I somehow managed to get the glue tube also stuck to my cell phone bill, immediately post flail I managed to get my wrist stuck to my desk. As far as I could tell everything was stuck together with the wildebeest and his leg being the only exceptions. I managed to not get an iota of glue on the target.

I ran to the bathroom and filled the sink with hot water and soap. I proceeded to soak my hands and attempted to scrape off the glue with minimal success. Some was coming off but for the most part it was just turning white. After about 3o minutes I decided that it might be easier to scrape off it I just gave it a little more time. Plus I couldn't rest for too long, I had a wildebeest to fix.

It is here in the proceedings that I came up with a brilliant idea, I was going to wear kitchen gloves for my second attempt. Thankfully ALL AMERICAN SUREHOLD SUPER GLUE comes with two tubes and a smart man would just throw out the tube that had caused all of the trouble and start in with the second one. I am not a smart man. I decided that there was plenty of glue left in the broken tube and now that I knew where the hole was I should have no problem using it. The hole wasn't really the problem before I rationalized, rather it was the fact that I didn't know about the hole that had been the key to my problems. I'm sure you can see where this is going but in the spirit of total self-deprecation I will include the transcript.

Holding the hole up to the leg socket of the wildebeest I squeeze gently. Glue goes everywhere.
I try to get a different grip on the magnet to get a different angle with the hole of the tube. My fingers are stuck together.
I finally pry them apart and tear the glove a little bit. I think nothing of this as I am able to get the glue in the right place and I'm starting to taste sweet victory. As I loosen my grip I learn that the leg has been successfully reattached. . . to my finger.

For a second time I find myself to be the mark in a slapstick routine as I scream obscenities and flail about. I return to the sink to soak and remove the glue for a second time and curse myself for being so inept. As I soak my hands I gaze up at the shower head that I replaced on Friday. Replacing a shower head had been my high water mark when it comes to handiness. It had been a breeze, almost too easy. Now as I wallowed in self pity trying to remove the symbol of my utter failure, the dried glue that was covering my hands, to no avail I was forced to stare at that goddamn shower head. I'm pretty sure it was giving me a smug look in return but it is inconclusive whether or not inanimate objects are capable of smugness.

After scraping off about 7% of the glue off my mitts I decided to give it one more try. By this time I had fully given up on the broken bottle and cracked open the new one. In just under 1 minute I was able to apply a dob of glue on the leg socket, reattach the leg and seal the glue without any incident. As I whooped with joy and performed a Tiger Woods fist pump I was hit with a soul crushing thought. I wasn't celebrating a great victory worthy of such exuberance. I was merely celebrating the completion of a simple task, a simple task that was delayed by roughly an hour of dicking around and incompetence. As my mood dropped and I started to feel bad about myself I looked at my stubby sausage fingers covered in dried glue and remembered that it's a miracle I can do anything requiring a modicum of precision, so I rolled those stubby fingers into a knuckle-less fist and pumped away as I resumed my victory dance.

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