Tuesday, June 12, 2012

The worst movie character ever

Before we get down to the vehemence I feel that I need to lay out a few ground rules as to what criteria I used to determine the worst movie character ever.

1. The character had to be in a good movie. When you look at a movie that is a complete pile of steaming horse crap then it's more than likely that all of the characters will be of a similar quality. What I'm looking for is a character who stands out due to their extreme crappiness amid an otherwise fantastic cast. I'd love to pick the car from Cars Who Eat People but what's the fun in that? For those who don't know, the car was a crappy beat up VW Bug and at no point in the "film" did it eat a person. Not one.
2. Jar Jar Binks is exempt. Not because he isn't the worst character in film history but because who wants to spend any of their time reading another angry nerd rant about Jar Jar? Everyone knows he sucks, let's move on.
3. The character must be memorable. It would be easy to single out a horrible cameo or a horrendous acting job by a glorified extra (Think Pee Wee Herman playing the bellboy in the movie within Pee Wee's Big Adventure.) For my consideration the character had to have a fairly major role.

Now that I have laid out the ground rules we can get down to the nitty gritty. Drum roll please. . . . and the worst movie character of all time is. . . . ROLLER GIRL FROM BOOGIE NIGHTS!

I watched this movie the other night on the HBO and was completely struck by what an all around lazy character Roller Girl is. Boogie Nights is a fantastic movie. PT Anderson really directs a masterpiece of a film featuring fantastic performances from Burt Reynolds, Don Cheadle, Julianne Moore and Marky Mark. Actually when I really put my mind to it everyone in this movie is above average to great, in fact Heather Graham doesn't do badly acting either. Yet in a movie where seemingly every little aspect had a great deal of thought put into it (I love that the speaker modification is called a TK-421, epic Star Wars reference) Roller Girl seems to be a cliche that was thrown in as a joke. Roller Girl is a porn star who has a quirky little gimmick; she never takes off her roller skates. Ever. For the whole fucking movie. It does not matter what sort of situation she's in.

Taking a test in school? Skates are on.
Out at a wedding? Skates are on.
Cleaning her bedroom? Skates are on.
Hanging out by the pool?
Stomping the crap out of some guy who disrespected her? Oh, you better believe the skates are on.

Look, the whole idea made me giggle a bit. The scene when she first has sex with Dirk while listening to "Brand New Key" is pretty brilliant, I'll concede that. If they want to show her always wearing skates while filming something I'm totally fine with that. But she never takes them off, that's insanity. Look, maybe Mr. Anderson had been out of high school for way too long when he made this movie but there is no way in hell they would let her wear her skates in school. I used to have a wallet chain that was 2 inches longer than regulation and they called me on it every damn day. I also know that the majority of clubs/restaurants in this world would kick her ass out in two seconds flat for skating into the establishment. Yes, hot women can get away with a lot in this world but come on.

Then I came to horrifying realization. The movie takes place in southern California, a locale noted for having warmer than average weather. Roller Girl NEVER takes off her skates. THE SMELL FROM HER FEET WOULD BE HORRENDOUS. For six years we are led to believe that she never takes her skates off. Do you have any idea what the smell would be like? I'm pretty sure that by year 2 she would have become a biohazard.

The absurdity of the character completely threw me for a loop to the point that I couldn't focus on anything other than my undying hatred for Roller Girl. Every time she came on screen I kept hoping that I would catch her walking just one time so that I could let all of this rage go. That scene never comes.

Do you understand just how much I have to hate Roller Girl for her to win this award? Heather Graham is beautiful and naked in this movie, I should have no complaints. Yet the shittiness of the character manages to over rule all of the good feelings that scene gave me. Although, to her credit, it took me roughly 10 years after first seeing the film to realize just how much I hated the character, I assume the nudity distracted me.

You know that awesome montage at the end of the movie where it shows where everyone's life ends up? For the most part it's all happy. Nothing would please me more if they replaced Reed's triumphant magic show scene* with him accidentally cutting Roller Girl in half on stage. Oh yes, that would be glorious. The movie could fade to black as the camera focuses on those stupid roller skates as they hang lifelessly out of a box while the crowd screams in horror. OK, maybe I've gone too far. She's still horrible.

* He completely reminds me of Gob Bluth in that scene. If only The Final Countdown were playing.

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