Wednesday, June 20, 2012

My camera phone turned me into an asshole

For someone who is only 31 years old I really am quite a Luddite when it comes to technology. I have never upgraded a video game system until long after games have stopped being produced for them. I owned the second Stone Temple Pilots album on tape, I think that was some time around 95. Although I'll admit there was a cheapness to that switch, I owned a CD player. I just refused to buy any CDs unless I was 100% sure the album was already kick ass. When it came to cell phones I resisted for as long as I possibly could. I used to give out my friend's numbers like crazy and leave vague messages; "If you need me before 9 I should be hanging out with Jake. Then I'm going to check out some band so call Mike if you need me. After that it'll probably be best to just look for me around the Fireside." Once I finally cracked and bought a cell phone I discovered the most wonderful little gadget, the cell phone camera.

I've always been amused by rubbing my good fortune in the face of others, for some reason I can't completely enjoy anything unless I know that other people I know are at least marginally upset by my fortune. The camera phone is an amazing invention in that it lets you gloat over your friends in the blink of an eye. When I'm in Florida over Christmas you can be damn sure that I am sending pictures of my the beach to all of my friends freezing to death in Illinois. The simple fact of the matter is that I don't think I have ever used my camera for any reason other than being an asshole.

If I'm golfing on a beautiful afternoon I will definitely send a picture to someone stuck in an office.
Are you a fan of a beer that is difficult to find regionally, like Yuengleng? Well prepare to get pictures of me drinking one.
Is your favorite band in town but you just couldn't afford a ticket? What's this? You just got a picture message of me rocking out at the show? Boosh.

I find that I am the most insufferable when it comes to food. Roughly 17% of the pictures on my phone are of different burgers I had at Kuma's. I don't know why I'm such a prick, I just can't help myself. I think it stems from goodness. I'm having an enjoyable experience and it reminds me of a friend who couldn't be there, that's kind of sweet, right? Of course when I respond to this by taking a picture of my XOCO torta and send it along with a message reading "My lunch just kicked your lunch's sorry ass," it doesn't seem to be as good natured as I would have hoped for.

So the next time you see that you have a picture message from me in your inbox be prepared for the dickishness that is about to ensue. If there is one bright side I have yet to send anyone pictures of me in my birthday suit or pictures of toilets I have wrecked. Although I'm guessing that it's only a matter of time.

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