Monday, April 2, 2012

The World Needs More Walk Up Windows

The other night I went out on the town and consumed many adult beverages. It was glorious. I even decided to call it an early night so as to not be a complete wreck the next day, that's how responsible I am. The majority of the night was spent trying to satiate my epic thirst for booze. While I was successful in this endeavor a horrible side effect of booze consumption snuck* up on me, the hunger. Yes, while my guard was attention was focused on trying to keep shots of Malort from reappearing on the bar a horrible hunger demon crawled into my belly. The demon wanted tacos and he wanted them immediately. Who am I to question the hunger? So I set out to obtain taco-y goodness.

I went to the local taqueria and was horrified to learn that it was closed. It was only 11:30 on a Friday night. This was highly unusual as I have never seen this place closed. Ever. It's open until at least 5 on weekends. Prior to this night I suspected they didn't even have a lock on the door. I banged my head on the door out of frustration and out of the corner of my eye I saw a beautiful beacon promising the tacos I craved so desperately, a KFC/Taco Bell. Now, I was not surprised by this, I live a mere block away from the place, but it was a revelation nonetheless. I swear that these eyes have never seen a more beautiful sight than Colonel Sanders' glowing face on that night.

There were a group of people inside eating so I pulled on the door. Locked. Oh, silly me, I grabbed a door that was out of service. I slid over to the opposite door and pulled with more might. Locked. I looked up at saw that the dining room was closed at 11, those people were just being allowed to finish their meal. I can't imagine anyone taking a half hour to eat fast food but that's a different rant for a different day. Luckily for my hunger the drive thru was open until 2.

I ain't no greenhorn, I know that the stunt that I was about to try was a long shot. The hunger would not allow me to retreat home with my tail between my legs and head for bed. No, the hunger demanded tacos. So I closed my eyes and heaved a Hail Mary; I walked up to the drive thru window. With the odds staked against me I used all of the suaveness I could muster.

Me: Pardon me? I know that it is unorthodox to walk up to the window but I am starving and I really would like to purchase some tacos.
Taco Warden: Inside is closed.
Me: Yes, I am aware. Since I'm here do you think you could possibly wrangle up some tacos?
TW: No. You need a car to go through the drive thru.
Me: I know that is how it is normally done but I don't have a car. There are no cars in line, I would really appreciate it. .
Me: (Various expletives muttered under my breath as I walk away)

I get it. They have rules. At the same time they are a business and their goal is to make money, why wouldn't they take my hard earned cash in exchange for 3 poorly made soft tacos that would merely make a cameo in my digestive system? I wasn't walking in front of any cars, they weren't doing a damn thing. It took longer to argue with me than it wold have to simply give me my order. Hell, if they wanted me to go back and order through the intercom so they have an excuse when they fuck up my order I would have gladly done so but I wasn't given that option. As I fumed over being denied tacos I chowed down on an apple at home. I pretended it was a taco and even considered putting some Tapatio on it but came to my senses and did not. I needed to find a way to make sure that all the boys and girls afflicted with The Hunger after 11 wouldn't have to settle for an apple, for that is truly a fate worse than death.

Then it hit me. I will start a campaign based on the following fact: Taco Bell encourages drunk drivers. Yes, you heard me. Taco Bell is already widely known for being the preferred eatery of stoners so it is no surprise that they also cater to the drunk. When you make food that greasy and shitty you can't expect sober people to line up in droves. Drunks on the other hand will gobble down anything you give them. Yet for some draconian reason Taco Bell forces drunks to get behind the wheel in order to enjoy the wonders of the volcano menu. Seriously, think about it for a second. How many sober people are going to be cruising through a fast food drive thru at 1 am? Unless it's directly next to a highway it's going to be a very low number. Instead of being rewarded for being responsible I am denied the only thing that I crave, tacos. Do you know how many accidents and deaths are caused by drunk drivers? A lot. By my logic I am not just a responsible person for not driving but I am saving lives, lives that would have been sacrificed because Taco Bell won't let me purchase their delicious bounty. I AM A HERO AND I SHOULD BE SHOWERED WITH 72 VIRGIN TACOS. And a small Diet Pepsi since I'm watching my figure.

Honestly though, just sell me the damn tacos next time.

*I know that fancy schmancy grammar police like to point out that the past tense of sneak is sneaked as opposed to snuck. Well, guess what? I just used "snuck" and no body was confused by it, so there. I do what I want.

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