I was sitting at a red light the other day, staring straight ahead and zoning out while rambling on about something to a friend. Then something caught my eye about the car in front of me. It was a Volkswagen Golf and in between the two passengers in the front seat were a couple of leaves coming off of a stalk. As I kept gawking I thought that they must be carrying a plant home with them or something of that ilk. Nope. Upon further inspection it was a bamboo plant. On the fucking dashboard.
What in God's green Earth could be the purpose of a bamboo plant in your car? Unless you are a panda longing for a snack on your lengthy morning commute there is no excuse and these were no pandas. If I saw pandas driving a car down Western Ave I'm pretty sure that would be the lead of the story. Aren't there enough distractions in a car that we don't need to add foliage to the list? Can you imagine trying to explain that the biker you just pancaked was in the blind spot created by your idiotic attempt at creating some feng shui in your German automobile?
As much as I want to blame the blithering moron who decided to turn their greenhouse into a mobile arboretum they did not act alone. Volkswagen put the idiotic idea into their pea brains but installing flower vases in their new fangled Beetles. I'm sure on the surface it sounds like a cute idea to have some flowers in your car but it's not, sorry. Unless you actually live in your car you do not have a valid reason to spruce things up by adding some flowers, and if you are living in your car I'm pretty sure that money could be used a little more wisely. For example, maybe you could clear out the back seat and plant an entire garden so that you'll have some vegetables to can and keep in the wheel well for the winter. I digress, if you do a quick search on your Google machine you will see that there are all sorts of different types of plant holders available for car use. Can you imagine the asshole who was able to patent this idea? I'd love to see how that meeting went down:
Inventor: So as you can plainly see it's a receptacle that can hold a small potted plant right next to the stereo.
Patent Officer: Why?
Inventor: Oh, I thought that would be obvious? When we live in an increasingly industrialized society it's easy for man to lose his connection to the Earth and all of the bounty that God has given us through the beauty of flowers and plants and. . .
Patent Officer: Stop. If I just give you the patent will you shut up and leave me alone?
Inventor: Of course!
I can really see no other way for that conversation to have gone. I also assume that the patents for the Brazilian Butt Lift and the Flowbee were given in a similar manner. Back to the bamboo, I like bamboo. I think it's cool that it's a grass that is sturdy enough to make scaffolding out of. I enjoy watching pandas chomp on it. But I don't want to see any of it sitting on someone's dashboard. I seriously found myself rooting for the driver to get rear ended and impale themselves on the precious little plant. If you want to decorate your car get some fuzzy dice or a little stuffed Snorlax like I used to have, just save the plants for home.
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