Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Mayo is not the main ingredient of a sandwich

I believe that some smart fella with crazy hair once said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results. I like this saying and I find that for most situations it is very apt. What if the only thing I am expecting to change is for a Subway employee to pull their head out of their ass for 21 seconds and not ruin my sandwich? Is it insane for me to expect them to pull this off JUST ONCE?

Let me paint a picture for you. I walked over to the local Subway in order to pick up sandos for the lady and myself. As you well know I am a classy man who only showers the finest things upon my girlfriend. Of course her sandwich is made with absolutely no incident. Almost. The girl making the sandwich seemed pretty insistent that it should be grilled but I managed to convince her otherwise. Then came my order. In my head it seemed pretty simple but apparently I was asking for the impossible. I shall now give you a transcript of the ordeal:

Our hero, Charlie: I'd like a 6 inch ham on white.
Our Villain, Sandwich Lady: Cheese?
C: Pepper Jack please.
SL: Toasted?
C: No thanks.
SL: Are you sure?
C: (audible sigh) Yes, I'm sure. I like it cold.
SL: (disappointed sigh) What do you want on it?
C: Lettuce, onion, pickles, jalapenos, green peppers. I would also like a very small amount of lite Mayo, a very small amount.

I'm going to pause to interject for a second. It was at this moment that I felt like a jerk for repeating that I only wanted a small amount of mayo. If I say it twice it makes it sound like I think the sandwich lady is an idiot. This was not the case, yet, but I wanted to be clear because I have been burned before. The sandwich lady places all the condiments on. I think she shorts me on onions but I let it pass. Then she gets to the mayo. She absolutely drowns it in mayo. She made 4 passes. Normally when you say to use a small amount they make 2 passes of the sandwich, if you say nothing they make 3. I know this because I'm an anal retentive jerk who assumes that everyone is out to get me. FOUR PASSES. At this point the main ingredient on the sandwich is mayo. We return to our transcript:

C: What the hell? I said I wanted a small amount of mayo.
SL: Yes, this is a small amount.
C: No it isn't. You have covered the entire thing in mayo, it is ruined. I don't want that. Can you please make my sandwich again without drowning it in mayo?
SL: No. You said to put a small amount of mayo and I put a small amount on. The sandwich is fine. Do you want anything else?
C: Are you kidding me? Can I speak to the manager? I want another sandwich.
SL: I can scrape some of it off but you should have told me to not put any on.

I'm sure you can tell where this is going. We go back and forth on the issue some more, I ask for a manager again, she's the only one working (which did seem to be true), she won't make me another sandwich and sadly I'm too damn hungry so I just let it go. I just don't understand why it is impossible to get a Subway employee to use a small amount of mayo. Every single time I ask for a small amount they cover the whole damn thing in mayo. Granted, it usually is less than they would put on if I hadn't said anything but my God is it a lot of mayo. I find it impossible to believe that people actually want their sandwiches like this. What if this excessive generosity poured over into the other aspects of their lives? I imagine my sandwich lady's kid asking for "a small amount of money" for school lunch and being given a gangster's role of hundreds. Strangely it seems to only apply to mayo. When I ask for a lot of jalapenos or onions I end up with a slightly above normal amount. If I were to ask for extra mayo they would probably just give me the squirt tube and tell me to go to town. The thing that galls me the most about this is that mayo is the one ingredient in my sandwich that has the potential to destroy it. If you put on too much lettuce you just let some fall out. Not with mayo. That shit sticks to everything. After she scraped off a large amount of the mayo I made peace with the notion that this was as good as things could get for me and my sando. In all honesty it wasn't that bad either. Sure, it would have been nice if it was actually prepared the way I had asked. Next time I should stop being so insane and just take make the sandwich myself. At home. . . not by jumping behind the counter and making it. That truly would be an act of madness.

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