Monday, October 1, 2012

Eastern Time Is the Worst

On first consideration one wouldn't assert that a certain time zone was superior to another. For the most part very little is different. Sure,  it might suck adjusting to the new schedule when you first travel somewhere but I never believed that it would matter once your body clock was adjusted. I was wrong.

The Eastern Time Zone blows. Nothing brought this to my attention more than this past weekend's football games. I have no idea how in the world people wait until 1pm for football. It's the worst. Ideally I want to wake up, throw on a "semi clean" Bears jersey and be watching the game within 20 minutes. As I get older this has become less possible as I wake up earlier and earlier. At least it's a possibility on Saturday's when the games are an hour earlier but not in this wretched time zone. One of the best things about tailgating is getting to drink breakfast booze. Yet when it's 11:30 I can just start drinking beer, I don't need to ease my way into it with a bloody mary or mimosa (I'M A MAN!) that late in the day.

It's even worse when it comes to the night games. I don't want to wait until 8:30 for the games to start. What if I wanted to eat dinner at the bar while watching the game? By that hour I will have chewed off my own leg. I'm a night owl and even I want to go to bed before the end of these games. Unacceptable.

Don't think that my football watching skills are the only thing the Eastern Time Zone destroys. Oh no, it has found a way to ruin all aspects of my life. I hate missing out on things. It drives me insane. I'm the kind of person who is always the last person to leave a party because I'm horrified that something super rad will go down right after I leave. Now I have to adjust to the fact that the entire rest of the country goes to bed after I do. AND IT ENRAGES ME. What if something really cool happens but I miss it because it's 11pm out here. I probably would have completely missed the OJ chase had I been cursed by the Eastern Time Zone.

So, it appears that I'm left with three options: 1. Stop whining. This entire blog is founded on the basis that I will never stop whining about trivial things so I'm pretty confident we can cross this one off the list. 2. Move to the west coast. Now, I don't feel like I'm the one that needs to chance. This time zone thing must suck for everyone out here even if they don't realize it therefore it would be selfish for me to leave them in such a a horrid situation. Therefore it looks like we only have one real option: 3. Reverse the Earth's orbit. Hear me out on this one, it'll be totally cool. Everything will change for everyone and it will be exciting and new. The Earth has been spinning this way for a few billion years (or 7,000 if you hate science). Isn't it time to experience something new? I feel that things have stagnated and we need to spice it up. So I think it's time that we get our scientists on this. We can build some super engines to change things up. Or we'll just get Superman to do it. And then, finally, after billions of dollars of efforts I will be able to enjoy football at the appropriate hour and our long national nightmare will be over.

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