Wednesday, November 2, 2011

The perils of having a hairless face

This past weekend I decided to shave off my beard for 3 reasons.

1. For my Halloween costume. I dressed up as one of my friends and he is what those of us in the beard community refer to as "a sissy" as he is sans facial hair.

2. I've decided to participate in Movember and grow a mustache while trying to raise some money for cancer research. I shall be a complete shill and leave the address at the bottom of the blog.

3. Curiosity.

I was a bit curious as to what my face looked like under all of that hair. I've spent the better part of the last 9 years with a beard. I decided to grow a beard for the same reason that I make most of my fashion decisions, laziness. The only thing that is ever successful in combating my fashion/grooming laziness is my desire to impress the ladies, in 2002 I had an opportunity to take a sabbatical from that task as my girlfriend was spending a semester abroad. The night she left I went on a bit of a bender with some friends, as was to be expected. We drank White Russians with Kahlua Especial (75 proof instead of the regular 40 proof) out of pint glasses all night and things got a bit sloppy. I woke up in the morning with a wicked hangover and the faint memory of promising to be in a band with someone. After completion of the first two of the 3 S's (shit, shower, shave) with an additional V thrown in for good measure I spent a little bit of time staring at myself in the mirror. I glanced between my reflection and my razor a couple of times. Finally I looked at the razor and said, "Fuck it." Charlie's beard was born right then and there.

Since that fateful morning I have been bearded except for a few special occasions; hanging out in the South or going to Vegas prompted me to sculpt it into "an Ambrose Burnside," one summer I rocked the Hulk Hogan look for a little while and for a few Halloween costumes I have been forced to discard the beard. Over the last couple of days I have realized why I rarely do away with the beard, being beardless sucks.

First off I have a weak chin. Well, sort of. If chins were judged in the way armies are then my chin would be very strong due to the extra chins lying in reserve, sadly this is looked upon as a negative when judging male attractiveness. This is the least of my concerns though, what is of great concern is the comfort issue. I live in Chicago and in the words of Eddard Stark "Winter is coming." We've barely gotten down to freezing and every damn time I go outside my face is cold. My poor face has been wearing a fur coat for the last 9 years and it hasn't had to deal with the harsh winter, in fact it reminds me of how my entire body felt after moving to the midwest from California. It is horrible. Since I wear glasses I can't walk around with a scarf around my face without fogging them up and wandering into traffic so I need to get growing quickly. I will admit that this was an expected problem as I shaved on Saturday so it's manageable. Which brings us to the most severe affliction I face now that I am beardless.

The Drooling. I guess that I have been drooling in my sleep for many years without being aware of it. My beard and mustache had served as a dam so that the drool never passed beyond the immediate area of my mouth and was thus never detected. Now that the floodgates have opened I am soaking every surface I sleep near with copious amounts of slobber. When I woke this morning my pillow was damp as if I had left it in the rain, the amount of saliva was awe inspiring. Looking at my face in the mirror I could actually see the path that the drool had taken over night, it looked like a dry riverbed running down my cheek. This now makes me without a doubt the worst person to sleep in the vicinity of. I sleepwalk, have night terrors, snore louder than a locomotive, rub my feet together vigorously and now my mouth is like a fire hydrant broken open in the summer. I am a disgusting beast. There is only one potential remedy as far as I can tell, to grow my beard back as quickly as humanly possible. So that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to puff my cheeks out as hard as I can to enhance the growth until my face is once again covered with a nice layer of chin hiding, warmth giving and drool stopping hair.

Before I accomplish that I'm going to continue working on a bitchin' mustache for Movember. If you would like to throw a little money to help with cancer research specifically aimed at fighting men's cancers follow this link: Thanks a lot!

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