Monday, November 21, 2011

The one in which I make a stupid mistake

I don't function well in the morning. This is a pretty common thing. Lots of people take a while to wake up and tend to be grumpy until they have had a pot of coffee or they hit the snooze 73 times before finally rolling out of bed. These aren't my problems. On the surface I appear to be fully functional. I can carry on a conversation and even get some work done if needed. The problem I experience is that my brain doesn't wake up until noon. The rest of my body will glide along as if I am all there but I am not. If I have any actual thoughts in the morning they are all related to general "survival" related reasons such as to not bring my iPod into the shower and to obtain sustenance in the form of "the Honey Nut." I can't process any complicated matters pertaining to whether my clothes match, where I left my wallet, or what I need to accomplish that day. Basically I'm on autopilot. Sometimes this leads to a horrendous tragedy like what occurred the other morning. I drank orange juice no more than a minute after brushing my teeth.

It was truly the most revolting taste I had ever encountered. We all know that we should not mix the two and that if you do you will pay the price. Even if you try and wait a half hour or so you are usually punished for your hubris. Although unlike Icarus when he flew too high you are not punished with death, if only the punishment were that lenient. Instead you are forced to endure a lingering horrid taste in your mouth that will not go away. It just sits there causing great discomfort FOREVER. Immediately I spit out the OJ and it only made the taste worse. I dry heaved a couple of times praying that I could produce some vomit since only bile could cleanse my palette at that time. I failed. As I lay on the kitchen floor in the fetal position I had what I mistook for a fever dream at first but remembered that it was a memory from high school.

It was early evening and my friends were gathering for a party. I don't remember the exact details other than parents were out of town, booze was readily available and Sublime's self titled album was playing. (Note: While I don't actually remember the album playing I know for a fact that the only two cds that were ever playing at high school parties were that and NOFX's Punk in Drublic so I've got a 50/50 shot.) My friend Scott stumbled up to me and the following conversation took place:

Scott: Dude, you have to try this drink I made. It's soooooooooo good.
Me: (Takes sip, chokes it down) UUUUUGH! What the hell is that? It is god awful!
Scott: Creme de Menthe and orange juice, it's the best thing I've ever had.
Me: It's revolting. It tastes exactly like drinking OJ right after brushing your teeth.
Scott: I know! That's why it's so good!

I have spent the last day or two analyzing that conversation from 15 years ago and haven't been able to come up with any definite answers. This was not one of those occasions when Creme de Menthe was the only alcohol we were able to obtain. Teenagers will drink root beer schnapps mixed with battery acid if it's their only option. I remember chasing Captain Morgans with a warm 40 of Mickey's. I may have even actually consumed Hot Damn on one desperate situation. This was not one of those times as there was a cornucopia of booze and other beverages available. As I have pondered this I been able to narrow it down to three possible scenarios.

A) Scott actually likes the experience of brushing his teeth and then drinking orange juice. I find this to be the least plausible scenario. Although if this were true I would say that he is the biggest masochist in the world. Or his tongue is broken.
B) Scott was so drunk that he couldn't taste anything. Also possible although he seemed to be able to explain how it tasted so this seems unlikely.
C) Scott was pretending to like it in order to trick all of us into drinking that godforesaken concoction. This seems the most likely scenario to me. Even though he was observed drinking the devil's brew himself I assume he had just as much trouble choking it down as the rest of us.

I pray that C was the correct answer. God help us all if it were A. This is a bit of a long tangent that could have been condensed down to, "Don't be a dumb ass in the morning," but what's the fun in that? I'm sure I will learn absolutely nothing and will bombard my poor mouth with OJ and toothpaste again in the not too distant future, but hopefully all of you will learn a little something from my agony.

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