Tuesday, October 18, 2011

I learn a lot about myself from the ads in a magazine

When I'm doing my business on "The Throne" I do one of two things: 1. Sing Eagles songs because they naturally ease the process. 2. Read the Smithsonian. I'm especially proud of reading the Smithsonian in the bathroom now that I live with my girlfriend because it makes me feel intellectually superior since she reads Entertainment Weekly in the same situation. For those of you who don't read it I recommend it, this month there was an especially intriguing piece about Willem de Kooning. Toward the back of the magazine they have tiny little 2X2 inch ads for the most bizarre stuff ever. It makes me wonder what kind of people they are targeting and more importantly, does anyone buy this crap? Here is a sampling of the ads on one page and my ramblings about each.

Vantage Vue Weather Station - This would be a small little computer that apparently tells you the weather. It retails for a mere $395 and advertises itself as "Rugged, Accurate, Reliable, and a great price." It can tell you "wind, rain, temperature, humidity, barometric pressure and much more." Opening the window seems a lot easier.

Replacements LTD. - China, crystal, silver and collectibles. This ad makes sense to me as it definitely is aimed to the older demographic. Old people have nice china and are clumsy, boom, perfect business model. Of course the size of the print probably prevents any seniors from actually discovering this wonderful company.

World Discovery Box - It's a box filled with "over 30 fossils, insects, marine life and minerals." It does not state whether the insects and marine life are alive or not. If I order this and receive a big box full of maggots and dead carp I'm gonna be furious.

Men's Wide Shoes - Were you even aware that you could mail order shoes in sizes ranging from 5-20 with widths of EEE-EEEEEE? I just want to see the freak of nature who wears a 5-EEEEEE.

Beau Ties Ltd. of Vermont - "Made in Vermont. Specialty Bow Ties." I can't think of two more boring statements than that. I believe David Sedaris said it best, “A bow tie announces to the world that you can no longer get an erection.”

And now for the crown jewel of them all. . .
Athena Pheromones - Developed by Dr. Winnifred Cutler. Now, with a name like that I have no idea why Dr. Winnifred had to create a potion to get laid, none at all. Yes boys and girls, you can buy love potion in the back pages of the Smithsonian.

So, in summary, here is what I can assume about me and my fellow Smithsonian readers. We have some sort of profession that demands we know the weather at all times, we're clumsy, we love boxes full of crap, our feet are freakishly wide, and we are unable to maintain an erection that we won't need anyway because we require magic potions to attract the opposite sex. Maybe I should switch up to reading Entertainment Weekly before it's too late.

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