Friday, October 14, 2011

Children should be seen and not heard. And preferably not seen either.

I understand that children are a necessary evil in this world. We need to perpetuate the species, I guess, and it would be awkward if we were born as grown ups. I also know that in two or three years I'll become a hypocrite when this blog becomes a collection of pictures of my precious baby boy Manny Ramirez "Brawndo" Connell. Until then bear with me as I complain about the youngest members of our species. To be more specific, the little fucker next door.

For the last week my next door neighbor has had 4 radiators on their back porch. I assume they are there for some sort of reason that I have yet to determine. For the entirety of this time this kid has been running a stick across the radiators. Don't get confused and think that when I say "entirety" I mean for 20 minutes periodically, while I am prone to exaggeration this is not one of those occasions. Yesterday he was at it for at least 5 straight hours. 5 hours of running a stick along a radiator. Thwick, thwick, thwick, THHHHHWICKKKK! He is relentless. He must be stopped.

Here is what I have learned about my nemesis:
1. He is between the ages of 8-12. I have no idea what age kids are most of the time so this guess may be way off. He's past diapers and hasn't used a razor yet, that's the range. He definitely should be of school age.
2. He doesn't go to school. Or if he does he's still home by noonish.
3. He has a little sister who also loves the stick game but thankfully she has a short attention span.
4. Thanks to the angle of where his porch is I am unable to have a clear shot if I were to throw stuff at him.
5. He obviously has no soul.

I have done everything within my power to get the sound out of my head to no avail. I closed the window. I turned up Mastodon. I tried to focus on other things and ignore the sound. I ran to the other side of the apartment screaming. While I'm sure that he had finally stopped his slavish devotion to scratching the radiator by 2 am last night I still heard the sound as I tried to fall asleep. It's in my head and I'm afraid it will never leave. 2 more days of this and I will gladly rip out my own eardrums with a pair of pliers. (Not sure if that's possible, I shall look into it)

I thought that the entire purpose of school was so that adults could function normally for a few hours a day. You lock the kids up so that us real people can go about their day without hearing some brat be an idiot all damn day. That being said I am beginning to understand that this child might not exactly be "grade school material." HE HAS PLAYED WITH A RADIATOR FOR A WEEK. We all do stupid things as kids, I once spent an entire afternoon throwing mud at the side of my house. After doing that stupid thing I moved on to a new and equally stupid activity. The point is that I moved on to something new. All this kid's feeble imagination has come up with in a week is to drag a stick across the same damn radiator.

As I try to come up with a solution I am quite aware that it would be a social faux pas to jump the fence and challenge him to fisticuffs. Plus I bet he could take me, he's been working out with that stick all week. So, for once, violence is not the answer. The ultimate goal is to get him transfixed by a quiet activity for as long as possible. There is only one solution that I have come up with and it is, at best, morally dubious. Porn.

Now, hear me out on this. I believe I speak for all prepubescent boys when I say that the only thing that could hold my attention, quietly, was porn. Give a 12 year old a crusty old Playboy from 1978 and you will shut him up for a month. The first Playboy I ever obtained had LaToya Jackson in it and I still treasured it more than anything else in the world. I figure if I just toss a good nudie mag over the fence I will have bought myself at least a week of glorious silence. Even if I end up burning in hell it'll be completely worth it. Now I must retire to my vault to decide which magazine is most expendable. . .

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