The Day I Almost Smashed a Person's Head Open With a Marcel Duchamp Sculpture

A brief note from our beloved author: Holy shit! It's been three years since I've posted on here. I've once again been using shouting at the wall as my primary form of venting my daily frustrations. And while that is liberating to some degree—I don't have to spell check or worry about proper grammar—it has raised the ire of my dear girlfriend and the neighbors. I don't much feel like being single or homeless so the yelling has been silenced and the blog has been revived. Yay? Damn right. Let's do this.

Over the last couple of days I have attempted to give myself a wee bit of culture. I've been spending way too much of my summer carousing with friends in various watering holes and far too little time questioning my place in the universe; it was time that I got myself back into a museum and took in some art. I can think of few things more relaxing than spending an afternoon strolling through a museum and contemplating the big picture questions of life while staring into a piece of art that grabs me by my very soul. And then the actions of my fellow humans had to go and fuck everything up, as they always do.

I should have known when I read about people catching Pokemon in the Holocaust Museum that there are no longer any safe harbors from repugnant assholes ruining public spaces, but nonetheless I was completely taken aback by the idiocy I encountered at MoMA today. 

Now, I understand that I may end up coming off like an elitist prick here, but I swear that is not the case. I accept that people are going to be on their phones basically everywhere on Earth, I'm guilty of staring at my phone far more often than I should as well. But this went way beyond that. An enormous number percentage of my fellow museum-goers weren't even looking at the art. They were running up to paintings that they knew were famous, pushing past any of the people attempting to appreciate the art, taking a picture of the painting on their phone, taking a picture of the card explaining who was responsible for the masterpiece they clearly weren't even looking at and then running on to the next piece. The most egregious examples of this happened to Warhol pieces, a hilarity that I'm sure Andy would have appreciated, but it pissed me right off.

What's the point of even going to a museum if you're going to be running around snapping pictures like you are on some sort of scavenger hunt? "Find a piece of art by Dali with zero phallic references - 100 points." If you're just snapping pics on your phone you may as well just Google "art" on your phone, save yourself the price of admission and the possibility that I fly off the handle and swing a priceless piece of Dadaist art into your useless cranium in a fit of rage.

I have no problem with people taking pictures of the art. I did this. Nor do I have issue with people posting pictures of the art to their social media. I did this as well. But when all they seem to care about is getting a picture without even taking a second to really look at the art they are supposedly admiring it disgusts me. And, as we should all know by now, it only got worse from here—people were taking selfies with the art.

How do you think our bitter old friend Vincent van Gogh would have reacted to a bunch of tweens (as well as people who were old enough to know better) lining up to take selfies with The Starry Night? I'm guessing he'd slice off more than a few ears. After witnessing this I must admit that I would have been a perfect model for Edvard Munch's next painting. Who the fuck thinks this is a good idea? Who wants to look at a selfie of some bozo next to a famous painting? It's not like you ran into Diddy on the street... you paid admission to get up close to an inanimate object hung on a wall.

How hard is it to ask people to show just a teensy bit of respect? These are people that went out of their way to go to the museum, no one is there by accident, you'd think that they'd like to take a second to actually look at the art. It completely baffles me. And enrages me. Only one thing in the world could calm me down...



Look at that beauty. Underneath all of that delicious sauerkraut, red cabbage and potatoes is a mouthwatering bratwurst and succulent currywurst from the Hallo Berlin food cart. Few things soothe my troubled soul like encased meats. Now, when you see a culinary masterpiece like this could you possibly be content just snapping a picture of it? No. You'd want to experience it to the fullest. Appreciate it. Spend time contemplating what it means to you. And as you lick the last drop of mustard off your greedy fingers you know that you have just made your life a little bit richer.

Act the same way around art, doofuses.