Tuesday, September 4, 2012

This song sucks, Pussycat. WOAH WOOOOOAH!

For reasons that are completely inexplicable I have been forced to listen to Tom Jones' ode to bestiality multiple times in the last week or two. It is a completely irrefutable fact that this is the worst song ever created. There are many factors that make a bad song: bad music, inept lyrics and poor performance. Usually hitting one out of three will make a song unbearable. Tom Jones manages to knock it out of the park and fail at all three factor on this beauty. This song is so horrible that I'm not really that angry about it. Frankly I'm impressed.

The song starts off right away with Jones caterwauling like an ass being castrated. Whenever he sings the refrain "What's new Pussycat? Woooooooah wooooooah" an angel loses it's wings. It seems to be completely out of time with the rest of the music which makes it even worse. When Jones isn't screaming like a banshee during the chorus he is uttering some of the most inane bullshit I have ever heard. Let's take a second to look at some of these choice lyrics, shall we?

"Pussycat, pussycat I've got hours. And lots of flowers. To spend on you. So go and powder your pussycat nose."

Seriously. Now, I'd like to think that this is a reference to doing cocaine. Sure, it would be the lamest drug reference in the history of drugs, but still. I can cut some slack for a drug reference, if the lyrics are supposed to be taken literally they are a whole new kind of awful. And since the song was written in 1965 I'm afraid that it's more than likely not a drug thing. . . but wait, it gets worse.

"Pussycat, pussycat I love you. Yes I do! You and your pussycat face!"

Good Christ, really? I swear that 90% of this horrific opus is just the word pussycat over and over again. The song is creepy before all of the references to different pussycat body parts. The references to pussycat noses and faces is offputting enough, then we get to this doozie.

"You and your pussycat lips!"

Here's the thing. Cats don't have lips. Really, think about it. Go harass your pet by staring deep into it's mouth. No lips. None. For a while I thought it was just a dumb little song lyric and nothing else. Then I got thinking a little bit dirtier. OH GOD NO. It's a vagina reference. So subtle. . . except that it's not subtle at all. It's just in such crummy taste that you would never even think that it was talking about that, except that it is. ARGH.

Look, I'm no prude. I own a 2 Live Crew album. I like my sexual references explicit and direct. I don't want some Welshman screaming and making tongue in cheek references to vaginas. That seems far dirtier and makes me feel sceezy.

I pray that you never have to listen to this atrocity ever again. Well, after you watch this video of Tom Jones singing it. Look at how big the backing band is! I can't stomach that this many people enabled such a vile act against humanity.

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